My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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