she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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