After last night, I could never be a politician.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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