I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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