god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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