Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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