While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
