The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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