I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
