We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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