Sry I called you an 8
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Text me some of your sweat
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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