I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
