Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
