Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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