tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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