His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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