So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
