I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
