You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
