that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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