He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
