don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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