I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
