I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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