i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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