she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
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It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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