He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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