During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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