Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
