I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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