I want you more than these girls want KFC
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
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It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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