The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
