OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
