well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
