meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Found your dick twin last night
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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