WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
