The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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