im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
