She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
