I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
sarcasm needs its own font
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
