I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
