This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
