i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
