Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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