It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
