I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
