dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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