The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
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As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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