listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
as a side note pls kill me
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