Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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