Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
