6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
