Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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