life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
