at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
