you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
